a very long post about a very short chapter

I have been writing this post in my head for 6 months, but can't get the courage up to do it.  I have been avoiding Facebook for that long as well.  I don't know if you've missed me, but I'm finally ready to explain my absence.  Whether I'm ready to rejoin the FB world is another issue.

Near the beginning of 2014, Jason and I were trying to decide what to do with our lives.  O.K., not exactly, but we were in deep discussion about family planning.  Did we want more kids?  Were we done?  What were the reasons we WEREN'T having any more kids?  Convenience? Money? Our time?  All "great" reasons not to have kids.

At that point, Gideon was almost 4.  We were out of diapers and moving on to the next phase in kiddom.  Despite that fact, we decided to give baby-making another go.  Then about April, we found out that Jason had cancer.  Testicular cancer.  Which is great as far as cancers go, but not so great as far as baby-making goes.  Jason's surgery and chemo happened pretty quickly and by that summer he was on the road to recovery.

We got the all-clear from his docs in the early fall, but didn't know if my getting pregnant was even a possibility.  We found out we were pregnant Thanksgiving week.

At that point, I was 37.  I was feeling more worried about this baby than the other boys, mostly because of my age, I guess.  I told Jason that I wanted to wait to make the announcement.  I had it all planned out.  We would tell the boys Christmas eve morning:

(telling the boys)

And since we would be here in Seattle on Christmas, we would tell our immediate families via Facetime on Christmas Day.  I wanted to wait until after our first doctor's appointment to tell our church family.  And I had an even grander reveal planned for everyone else. 

The chapter of my sorority was having it's 20th anniversary in February of this year.  I asked my parents for a plane ticket for Christmas and got the flight booked.  I had imagined walking into the sorority house with a baby belly and surprising all my girlfriends.  I made similar plans for the telling of my other group of girlfriends.  After that, I'd make the official announcement on Facebook.

I had my first doctor's appointment in early January and everything went fine and normal.  I got to hear the baby's heartbeat and talk about all the normal pregnancy stuff.  We told the church, started shopping for maternity clothes and started dreaming about names.  One night, after the boys were in bed, I felt the baby kick.  Jason and I were thrilled.

I had my next appointment February 12th; about a week before leaving for my sorority reunion trip.  It was late on Thursday and Jason came home to watch the boys so I could run up to the doctor.

Dr. Koo did all the normal formalities and then started listening for the heartbeat.  She tried for several minutes before saying that the baby must be hiding and went to get a portable ultrasound machine.  I knew.  I could have left that minute because I knew what she was going to say.  The baby was dead.

Through tears, I quickly learned what my options were.  I somehow made it back home and told Jason.  He tried to shield the boys from me, but Gideon saw me crying as I came in.  In his innocent almost 5 year old voice, he said "I hope the baby's not dead."  With no room to now wait, Jason immediately told the boys.  Jonah and Gideon came into my bedroom and cried hysterically with me for the next several minutes.

Jason and I talked over our choices and decided that I wanted needed to deliver the baby in the hospital, instead of some of my other options.  I wanted to go as soon as possible and go when Dr. Koo was on call.  So on Saturday morning, Valentine's Day, Jason and I went to the hospital to deliver our baby.  Less than 24 hours later, I delivered our 4th son, Philemon.  In Greek, Philemon means "affectionate" or "loving."  We couldn't think of a more appropriate name for our Valentine's Weekend baby.

Through it all, I never doubted God's love for me.  During my pregnancy, well-meaning friends would often say "I bet you're praying for a girl."  I'd usually answer, "Nope.  I'm praying for God's will.  And I believe that's what I got.  I don't know why, other than, why not?  I believe Matthew 5:45 is true: 

"For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." 

We live in a fallen, sinful world and last time I checked, I am a part of that world.  There were so many "good" things that were a part of the miscarriage, and I know that God was providing for me even then.  I was mad and sad and hurt and devastated and empty and broken, BUT I know God was there the whole time taking care of me.

So here we are six months later.  I survived the first month mark, the births of other pregnant friends, and his due date.  But I'm still not "better."  I don't know when I will be better, and I know part of me never will be better, but I hope for normal again.  I pray for contentment with my 3 wonderful boys, if we never get pregnant again.  I pray that I can stop being mad at all of you for going on with your lives and not dying with me that day.  And I thank God that I had the chance to see and hold my son, even for just a few brief moments.

Happy birthday to Luke!

I'm not sure if it's because I have all boys (and somehow have to offset the cuteness that naturally comes with girls) or because I just love parties, but around here, birthdays are go big or go home.  

Now, none of the parties we have are truly Pinterest worthy, but I know that the boys are spoiled non-the-less.  Seriously, I'm not short-selling myself.  To be a true Pinterest party, you must rent a hall of some sort, spend 22 hours on a fondant cake, spend $22 per kid on treat bags, make elaborate hats or accessories to match the theme of the party, decorate said hall in custom matching decorations that you bought on etsy, and take pictures of the occasion with your Nikon D-3100, all while looking perfectly put together.

Our parties don't quite turn out that way...

I do plan for months.  I spend hours on Pinterest getting ideas.  I make multiple trips to Hobby Lobby so I can buy items one at a time with my 40% coupon.  I scout out thrift stores and craigslist looking for accessories to match the theme of the party.  And I love every minute of it.

But I also...spend the entire night before finishing whatever project HAS to be finished before the party, spend more than we budget for it, get in an epic fight with Jason the morning of, and am lucky to get a shower (much less my hair fixed) on the day of the party.

I've been working on birthday parties since Luke turned one, but have never documented any of them in detail.  And in light of recent events, I guess I feel like I should.  My plan is to detail each of the boys' parties from this year, starting with Luke's back in February, just for posterity.  Enjoy the madness!

Birthday Boy Breakfast

We always let the boys pick what they want to eat; usually doughnuts or PopTarts.  I decorate the table with balloons bought for the party (from the Dollar Tree) and birthday signs that I wipe off and use birthday to birthday.

Nerf Birthday

This is the theme that Luke decided on this year.  Every party, I think "THIS ONE is my favorite ever."

He got to invite 9 friends, including his brothers.  I tend to have a hard time with this.  Who to invite?  Do I invite siblings?  What number is the "perfect" size?, etc.

Over the years, we've had lots of parties at the church.  Great for space, but not so great for decorating.  Your decorations tend to get swallowed up in the openness of the room.  And you have to deal with whatever decorations are already there.

This is Luke's present table.  Some years we do presents, some years we don't.

The yellow and blue coverings are plastic tablecloths from Walmart cut in half (and saved, of course, for the next party needing yellow or blue).  The blank banner was bought at Walmart and had Luke's name added to it by our sweet friend, Kathleen (thank you!).  I can take his name off and use it for other parties.

Party Favors/Team ID

Part of what we were going to do at the party was have a "war" with the Nerf guns.  I went to an embarrassingly amount of Dollar Trees to find the right number of sunglasses.  I had blue ones for the "Blue Bombers" and camouflage ones for the "Strike Force" team.  The boys divided into teams according to their glasses and battled with the guns.

Tin Can Challenge

I used a step ladder from church to make an area for target practice.  I taped leftover strips of crepe paper to make the space look cuter.  Kathleen (seriously, what would I do without you?) taped seven empty pop cans with blue painters tape to aim at.  I also set up our "Toy Story" army men for practice.

Target Practice

Yea, I couldn't think of anything clever for this part.  Oh well.  I typed out all of my signs and glued them on blue cardstock to make them stand out.  I used white posterboard, sharpie markers and red paint I had on hand to make the targets.  I took all my pictures with my hand-me-down Nikon D-50 that I am very thankful to have (thanks Dad!).

Luke's Birthday Party:  Enter at your own risk

I printed out 2 signs at put these at the entrance to the Fellowship Hall.  And I found orange cones from the church attic to add to the decor.  Score!

I LOVE crepe paper.  It is the poor mans way to decorate on the cheap.  This is one of those items that I make multiple trips to Hobby Lobby for.  Totally worth it.

Missile Munchies

The hit of the party.  I'M SERIOUS.  These were already half gone when I took the picture.  The boys gobbled these up before the chips, before the desserts.  Crazy!  Obviously, pretty easy to make.  Just make sure you get jumbo sized olives, otherwise they will split open when you put them on the baby carrots.

Deadly Dessert

Lamest birthday cake I've ever made, but it's what Luke requested so I didn't mind a bit.  This chocolate ecclair is a staple around our house and apparently Luke loved it enough to want it on his big day.  The small dish in the back is sans graham cracker for our gluten-free friend.

Nerf Juice

Once again, if I was a true Pinterester (?), I would have made labels to go around these.  I have done it in the past for other parties, but there just wasn't time with this one.

My one original idea for this party was the oranges.  I taped the signs to popsicle sticks and stuck them in cutie oranges.  They turned out pretty cutie. ;-)

Bullseye Bites

I needed a gluten-free dessert, so I went with Rice Krispy treats, of course.  I sprayed those round little dishes (you know, that Rachel Rae uses all the time) with cooking spray and used them as my mold.  Then I used premade red icing found on the baking isle to make the bullseye design.  Easy peasy.

Cheese Bombs

Cheesy puffs.  Enough said.

Agent Oranges

We studied the Vietnam War in homeschool this year, so most of the kids at the party actually knew what it was. I always like to have a fruit or veggie at the party.

more crepe paper, to hide the kitchen

I used this glittery table liner thing that I bought for Jonah's 1st birthday party!  I can't tell you how many times I've used that thing over the years.

And orange & blue plates, napkins and forks, of course.

poor Jonah

He just got shot during the battle.  You can barely see some of the cardboard boxes in the background.  I watched craigslist for days to get the size and amount I wanted for free.  The boys built forts to hide behind during the battle.

Daddy getting in on the action.

Each boy also got a small Nerf gun as a party favor.  They were $9.99 for a pack of 3 at Target.

The birthday boy

Doing a good job blowing out his candles.  It was his idea to stick the candles in the Nerf darts.

I also bought him an orange shirt at Michael's (with a coupon, naturally) and wrote "Shoot Me!  I'm the birthday boy."  Kathleen drew a bullseye in the middle of it for me.  A perfect addition to the party, I think (and alot cheaper than etsy!).

None of this would have been possible without these ideas from other clever mommas.  Check out their original posts:
http://www.thedatingdivas.com/play-it-up/nerf-wars-battle-date/
http://michellepaige.blogspot.com/2012/03/nerf-gun-party.html
http://celebrateanddecorate.com/?s=nerf (this one has the invitations that I used.  So cute!)
http://tannerjia.blogspot.com/2012/01/zacks-9th-nerf-gun-birthday-party.html

First World Problems

I love having "first world" problems.  Deciding which cereal to eat.  Having so many clothes that I'm constantly doing laundry.  Waiting in a long line at Target to buy a birthday present.  You know, problems that aren't really problems because we're so rich and spoiled in America.  But sometimes we have first world problems that aren't as much fun.  Awful and terrible problems, but first world, none the less.  For our family, the next couple of days are filled with those problems.

Today, I'm taking Jason to do something that I never thought we'd be doing in our 30s, much less 40s or 50s.  I'm taking him to get chemotherapy.  If this is a major shocker, I'm sorry.  Here's the back story and I'm sure you'll understand why it's not exactly FB post worthy:

(Right before Jason's mission trip to "insert undisclosed high risk for Christians country here", he had multiple shots, physicals, etc..  During those check-ups, they found a lump in his testicle.  The doctor said he could go ahead and go on his mission trip, but as soon as he got back it would have to be removed.  He came back from the mission trip and had outpatient surgery to have the lump removed.  We left the next day for our preplanned trip home to TN.  While at the beach with our family, Jason's doctor called and said the lump was cancerous.  They felt confident that it was small, contained, and completely removed, but just as precaution, he should have more treatment.  After several more doctors visits and consultations, we decided on one dose of chemotherapy.  Which leads us to today.)

We are going to a cancer treatment center in nearby Everett and should be done before lunch.  He will have to drink lots of fluids, rest, stay away from germs and the sun for about 10 days to 2 weeks.  Stay out of the sun, you say?  No problem!  We live in Seattle.  See, first world problems.

Now on to me.  I've been having off-and-on pains on my right side for a several months.  Nothing consistent, but still not going away.  Two weeks ago, I started having the pain most of the time, every day.  I went to the walk-in clinic, got tested for several things, and had an ultrasound scheduled.  That ultrasound found that I had a kidney stone which lead to the scheduling of a CT scan.  I had the CT scan and meeting with an urologist on Friday.  Normally, drs will let you pass a kidney stone up to 5mm.  Mine measured 19mm. Awesome!  So...tomorrow afternoon, I'm having outpatient surgery to try and blast and laser the stone to itty-bitty pieces.

Thankfully, the cavalry (in the form of my mother) arrives tomorrow.  And thankfully, we have awesome church family, neighbors, and homeschool friends that are taking care of the boys, feeding us, etc.

And this, my friends, is what I will be thinking of while undergoing and recovering from my first world surgery...

From our recent trip to Orange Beach

A rant

Earlier this week, someone in my world posted the following as his Facebook status:

 "There is a gay football player?  Is he a good player?  He is?  Great!  I like good football players!  Move along."  

I couldn't agree more.  It blows my mind how the media can make things that aren't an issue, an issue.  I don't think this college football player's personal life has anything to do with his NFL draft dreams.  Just like I don't think this Olympian's prior photo shoot has anything to do with her ability to ski ( Lebanese skier).  We all know that is just how the media monster rolls.

 However, I was LIVID when I read what his friend put as a follow-up comment:

  "I know dude.  This horse died many, many, many moons ago.  Such a tired topic.  Some folks are light years behind.  It's alarming how indisputably dumb some humans are."

Since no good comes from getting into a dispute with someone with differing opinions on Facebook, I brought my grievances here.  If you don't agree with me, no problem.  You can go rant on your own blog about me.  But this one is mine, and since America mostly still allows free speech, I get to write what I want here.

Now, I could assume that this friend was referencing the media for their handling of the story, but I'm pretty sure that's not who he was insulting.  I'm pretty sure he was insulting me and other evangelical Christians like me.  I believe the Bible is true.  I believe that God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman.  And apparently, I am "indisputably dumb" for believing so.

Let me expand on a few of my other beliefs.  I also believe that God didn't want women to be topless dancers.  Or me to use the "f" word or the "n" word or any other offensive word in my daily vocabulary.  I believe that God did not intend for us to watch pornography.  Or gamble our money away on lottery tickets.  And if, tomorrow, the government makes it legal to kick little old ladies crossing the street, I will teach my children that doing so is wrong, also.  But nobody cares that I believe those things; it's just my belief in solely heterosexual marriages that suddenly turns me into a hateful, homophobic bigot.

I dare this friend or anyone to find a time when I have said an ugly word to a gay person.  Or shunned neighbors that held different views from me.  Or told my boys that we don't talk to "those kind" of people.  I believe that the Bible teaches us to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Galatians 5:14) and not to "speak evil against one another" (James 4:11).  And that is what our family tries to do each day.

So if literally believing that all of the Bible is true and being kind to others that believe differently than you is "indisputably dumb", then I guess get my dunce cap ready.

(image from Google search)

2014

Happy New Year! Does anyone else love the idea of a "fresh start" even though there's not really anything different from yesterday? I just read this post which has me all excited about the new year. I'm not sure what my "one word" will be yet, but I'm excited about the process.

We had a good, yet different, Christmas.  This was our first Christmas season not to be in Tennessee. It was my first Christmas without my maternal grandparents. BUT, Jason's mom came and spent Christmas with us, so we weren't all alone. We actually had some sun on Christmas Day, so the boys got to go out and enjoy the new bikes that their Nana had bought them.

I'm taking the tree and decorations down today, which I hate, but I also realize that my husband might leave me if I tried to convince him that decorations up all year long is a good idea.  I refuse to give up my Christmas music, though.  I can listen to it when I'm alone & no one is the wiser!

(Our family at our church's Christmas Eve service)

ANOTHER new chapter

Last Monday, I started something that Jason & I have been talking about for years.  I. Started. Homeschooling. The. Boys.  Yep.  Just when I was supposed to be sending Luke off to 2nd grade, Jonah to Kindergarten & Gideon to preschool, we decided to keep them all at home.  With me.  All the time.  Am I crazy or the best mom ever?  Hopefully, somewhere in the middle.  Honestly, right now, I'm still in the "This is awesome!!" mixed with the "What have I gotten myself into?!?" stage.

We are homeschooling through the national program called Classical Conversations (www.classicalconversations.com ).  I have actually only known about CC for about a year and only started considering it for our family since the spring.  This program takes a classical approach to learning (studying & memorizing the subjects that stand the test of time) with a Christian worldview.  Perfect for us, right?

Our journey to this point, has had the hand of God all over it.  Let me give a few examples:

1. I first really learned about CC from a college friend's blog (www.suzanneshares.com) and one of my best girlfriends from Brownsville.  What a blessing to have the knowledge of these 2 ladies to help me my first year!
2. While talking to my friend on the phone about this one night, I said, "Lisa, God's just going to have to make $500 fall out of the sky to pay for Luke's tuition."  The NEXT DAY, someone gave us $500 for no reason.  When we decided to homeschool Jonah, too, $500 more fell from the sky.
3. When we decided to go with CC, I wasn't sure if there would be a local group in the Pac NW, much less in our area.  Long story short, our chapter meets in OUR church.  Yep, as in 1 mile from our house.  Awesome!
4. Thus far, all our homeschool expenses have been taken care of.  Whether it was a check from my mom, a resource mailed from Lisa, a gift card from Jennie, a borrowed laminator from Theresa or discovering that the library lets you print out 70 pages from the computer per week for free (Yea, baby!), we have not had many out of pocket expenses.

As my blogging record shows, I am not sure how often I will update you with our homeschool progress, but I did want to let you know what is going on with our family as we start yet another new chapter.  Thanks for all the prayers!

(sorry mom, having problems uploading pics, will try again later)

A Camping We Will Go...

I have fond memories of camping with my family as a child.  We had a "pop-top" camper that we took to many a state park.  We thought we were living the high life with the fold-up dining room table and air conditioner that our camper had.  And nothing, I mean nothing, was better than the individual sized cereal boxes that we had for breakfast on those camping trips.

Mmmm.  Can't you just taste those s'mores?

This week, Luke attended Boy Scout Day Camp at Flowing Lake Park in Snohomish (about 15 miles from our house).  The director was using 3 campsites for activities during the day, but, of course, didn't need them at night.  So we were able to camp there for free!  Here's what I learned from our week of camping:

1.  I am a diva/baby.  I know this will not come as a shock to my husband or father, but I like my mattress, my dishwasher, my hot & cold running water, my 2-ply toilet paper.  A lot.  When I don't have these "necessities", I can get cranky.
2.  I miss birds.  I've mentioned before that we basically have 2 kinds of birds where we live; crows & seagulls.  So hearing wrens and larks and woodpeckers this week was sheer joy.
3.  I L.O.V.E. trail mix.  I could seriously eat it for every meal.  Why don't we eat it for every meal?!?  I'm not sure anyone else in my family got more than a few handfuls of that crack-a-licious goodness.
4.  I may never camp more than 15 miles away again.  Every morning, the little boys & I would leave camp and come home.  I would bathe them and myself and do laundry.  We could eat as civilized people at our dining room table and watch cartoons.  Then, in the afternoon, we would drive back to camp to spend the evening with Jason & Luke.  Seriously, it was a perfect camping set-up.
5.  I am thankful that we don't live in a dump, near a dump or on top of a dump.  Our campsite was next to the camp's huge garbage bin.  Any time the wind changed, it reeked of trash.  The first night I even dreamt of garbage men chasing me.  Since the campsite was free, we had nothing to complain about, but it reminded how thankful I am for our wealthy living.
6.  I will not use a port-a-potty.  I just can't do it.  I try to convince myself that it's no big deal, but I can't.  Point in case:  Last night 2 toddlers across the road woke up at 2 a.m. screaming bloody murder.  Not just a few yells or whimpers, but 10 straight minutes of loud decibel screams.  Needless to say, I couldn't go back to sleep & couldn't stop thinking about needing to, um, powder my nose.  So up I got and went to the port-a-potty that was 50 yards away, right?  Nope.  I walked for 5 minutes to the closest restrooms.  Mind you, I was cursing my roommates the entire way for making me watch all those horror movies in college.  But, I decided, being murdered by a serial killer hidden in the camp was a better option than using the port-a-potty.  Can you blame me?

Luke, reading to his brothers, around the campfire

Free is never, well you know, free

I'm such a wonderful mother.  I had great (FREE) plans for the boys & I to do today.  I saw an ad months ago for "Free Friday Playdate" at the Seattle Children's Playgarden on June 28th.  It looked interesting, new & most importantly, free.  Free parking even!  I found a park nearby the SCP that had a new spray water feature & had it all planned out.  So when the weather girl promised a hot & beautiful day today, we were off.

(Pre-catastrophe; notice the bunny riding the bike!)

The SCP really was a neat experience.  There were spots for the boys to dig with shovels & hoes, a nice little playground, water feature, bunnies & ducks, and flowers & plants blooming everywhere.

We grabbed lunch & had a picnic at the aforementioned neighborhood park.  The boys changed into their swimsuits and were off to the spray features.  It was sooo hot (80°) and the boys loved the cool water.  There is a playground right beside the spray park, so after they tired of it, we went to play on the playground. 

Luke & Jonah were chasing each other & Luke jumped off the top of the twirly slide, like he's done a hundred times before.  (Now, unless you have multiple boys, it's going to be hard to understand.  The phrase "boys will be boys" is just so true.  They just want to climb, jump, throw, and kick everything that comes their way.  I'm not even going to begin to tell you about the tree that they climb up 2 stories high at one park...ooops.)

Anyway, I think his slippery Crocs messed up his take off from the slide & made him land awkwardly.  He cried pretty significantly & I helped him up.  He wasn't bleeding and no bones were sticking out, so like the good mother I am, I made him go back to the spray park and wash all the wood chips off.  (What?!?  You would have made him do the same thing!)  He was still crying, which is not normal for him, and I knew something was wrong.  Jason met us at the dr & had the hard job of watching Luke get the painful x-ray & usual probing.  He'll get a cast next week and yes, will most likely not get to swim the majority of the summer.

So my wonderful free plans will most likely end up costly us hundreds of dollars.  Like I said, aren't I a wonderful mother?

(What Luke is doing right now; after Jonah's incident, he couldn't wait for his turn to stay up late & eat ice cream)

TGIT (Thank Goodness it's Thursday)

Thursdays are "date night" for Jason & I.  We don't get to go out every week, but most weeks we do.  We started having regular date night a little over a year ago.  We had been in Seattle around 9 months, and we knew something had to change.  We were getting burnt out & needed some time to be alone, just the two of us. 

Since we don't have family here & no one that we could regularly dump the boys with, the search for the babysitter began.  That is a story in itself, but we ended up finding Maxine.  She is definitely a godsend and so good with the boys.  We are so thankful to have her!

Our dates are usually to whatever restaurant we have a gift certificate or Groupon to, but the weather dictated our adventure tonight.  The weather has been so wonderful this week, that we decided to go bike riding.  Jason found a bike trail that's about 10 miles away.  What a find!



http://www.kingcounty.gov/recreation/parks/trails/regionaltrailssystem/burkegilman.aspx


The Burke-Gilman (bike) trail is my new favorite.  The paved path curves around the northwest shore of Lake Washington.  While Jason watched the trail and other bikers, I gawked at all the lake houses we passed.  Not to mention the views of Mt. Rainier!  We passed, I mean were passed, by dozens and dozens of bikers.  It reminded me of why people move to Seattle; why we put up with rain 9 months of the year; why the NW is so wonderful.  Like I said, my new favorite. :-)

Me in my awesome helmet & sick, tricked-out ride

Forty Days without Facebook

A few years ago, a good friend of mine told me that she was giving up chocolate for Lent.  I was surprised.  Kelli wasn't Catholic and I had always thought that participating in Lent was just something that Catholics did.  She told me that she had decidced to specifically give something important up (chocolate) for 40 Days (from Ash Wednesday to Easter) in order to focus more on Christ and his sacrifice for us on the cross.

I thought it was a great idea.  Even though the Bible doesn't mention it and Lent is an invention of the Roman Catholic church, I, personally, still think it can be a good thing (when not taken to a legalistic extreme).  Yes, as Christians, we are supposed to sacrifice all 365 days of the year for Christ.  And, yes, we are to daily deny ourselves of things for him.  But in this land of spoiled and home of the glutton that we call America, it's sometimes hard for me to really feel like I'm giving anything up.

Since that conversation with Kelli and her chocolate, I have given something up each year for Lent.  Honestly, it's mostly been chocolate related because that is something that I LOVE.  This year, though, I read a friend's post that she was giving up FB for Lent.  I liked it and decided to do it.

So during my 40 days without Facebook, what did I accomplish?  Well, I memorized the whole book of Matthew, climbed Mt. Rainier, taught the boys 40 Bible verses, and...just kidding.  Of course, I didn't do any of those things.  I'm still doing good just to get my quiet time in the Bible done most mornings.  I found that time I usually spent on FB, I just filled with other distractions (hello, Pinterest).  BUT, every time that I thought about FB, missed FB, or was tempted to just peak at FB, I remembered why.

I remembered that coming up was the "Superbowl" of all days for Christians, as my friend Jennifer puts it.  This day, Easter, is the most important of all days of the year for us.  It is the reason we live.  The reason we read the Bible.  The reason we set ourselves apart from the world.  The reason we move across the country and leave our wonderfully comfortable lives behind.

He took my punishment.  He defeated death.  He is risen.  And 40 days without Facebook is just a minuscule way for me to thank him.

Obsessed

I must confess.  I have a love affair with something that is not my husband.  (Chocolate doesn't count!).  I love the mountains!

I have always loved the mountains.  I come by it naturally.  My mother has a love affair with Colorado & the Rockies, so I know that some of that rubbed off on me.  I grew up in the hills of TN, but they are nothing compared to what is here in the Northwest.

The Cascades (from our recent trip to Leavenworth)

Since moving to Seattle, I have been obsessed with the those mountains.  I will ignore my boys, interrupt conversations, and nearly drive off the road just to look at them.  I STILL gasp every time that I see Mt. Rainier.  It is truly awesome.  It is just this HUGE, snow-covered rock that demands attention.  It's visible for hundreds of miles.  It's on our license plate for Pete's sake!

Rainier in the background of the Space Needle (not my photo)

Besides Mt. Rainier, we have the Olympic Mts. & the Casade Mts. flanking us on the west & east, respectively.  After turning out of our apartments onto North Road, our street immediately runs into a major road called 164th.  While sitting at the stoplight there, I can look to the east and see the Cascades.  Then when I turn west onto to 164th and head up the hill, I can see the Olympics.  So hypothetically (if the clouds weren't constantly there), I could see 2 mountain ranges every day; just on my way to the grocery.  See?!  Can you blame me for being a little obsessed?

I'm not the only one suffering from MO (mountain obsession), though.  Who can forget that the "hills are alive" as Maria sang about them in The Sound of Music?  Songs and poems have been written about them.  Men die just trying to reach the top of some.  They are a wonder to behold.  I am amazed how my fellow Seattlelites can look to those mountains every day & not wonder who created them.  And how they cannot want to know more about that Creator.  Because when I see them I just want to break out in song.

"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.  Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep."  Psalm 36:5

Last look when leaving the Cascades back towards Seattle

Irreplacable

Today is my grandmother's Murr's funeral.  When I got dressed this morning, I automatically put on my funeral clothes.  Even though I can't be there, it just felt right to do so.  I'm not at the funeral by choice & by circumstance.  I could have begged, borrowed or stolen the money for the airfare, but having the stomach flu this weekend sealed the deal on the decision I knew was best. 

My last picture with Murr

Like most in this situation, I am overwhelmed with grief.  I feel like I can hardly breathe.  But at the same time, I am so thankful.  Thankful that:

• My grandmother is a Christian.  I don't have to worry about where she will spend her eternity.  What a blessing!!
• I got to spend three glorious nights with her.  We didn't plan our Christmas trip to TN as such, but God did.  I got to spend one terrifying night with her at the hospital & 2 nights at hospice with her.  She was awake, alert, coherent & talkative with me during some of that time.
• I had 35 wonderful years with her.  I know that I am blessed more than most with the time I got to spend with her.
• She died rather quickly.  I know she didn't feel like it at the end, but she spent less than 2 weeks in the hospital/hospice, which really is a blink of the eye.  She didn't have cancer, Alzheimer's or a dozen other things that so many have faced.

The boys' response to her death has been interesting.  Luke simply said, "O.K." when I told him.  In all fairness, though, he and Jason did have some deep discussions about heaven & Christianity later on.  Jonah gasped when I told him & said, "So now it's just Grandpa?"  He also had a ton of questions about eternity.  Gideon's response was:  "Awww. (pause)  Maybe I can get another one."  No, my sweet, we can't.

And that's one thing that I've gotten out of this week.  I want to be irreplaceable, too.  Don't you?  I want people to think I was the best mommy, wife, daughter, friend, neighbor, whatever, so that there will never be a replacement.  I want to live bigger, be nicer, smile more, be friendlier, more serving, so that my presence will be known to others.

One of my favorite pictures of my irreplaceable Murr & my mom, spring 2010

When I asked Murr Sunday night what her favorite Bible verse is, she shared these two with me:

"...in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:6

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit dries the bones."  Proverbs 17:22

And, indeed, HER merry heart did just that.

It'll never be Pippa's

I've started running again.  And I, of course, use the term "running" very loosely.  When "running" is defined as "slowly jogging at a steady pace, that, by the way, most four year olds could keep up with"; that's the kind of running I do.

I have the same love/hate relationship that I have always had with it, and I suspect most real runners do as well.  I hate getting up earlier in the morning.  I hate being drizzled on.  I hate feeling tired and sore, BUT...I love that I actually got up and did it.  I love that I am being proactive with my health.  And I love the feeling of accomplishment.

Currently, I'm running 2 miles about 3-5 times a week.  I run to I-5 and back.  Not super far, but it is a start and helps me get back on track to running a 5K.  There almost as many 5K races here in Seattle as there are Starbucks (welllll, not exactly, but you get my drift).  I haven't picked out which race I'm going to try for yet, but I'm hoping to run one in January or February.

I know you're dying to know what my motivation is for my running restart, right?  Reading about so many friends running the St. Jude marathon?  Nope.  Wanting to lose a few pounds before going back to TN for Christmas?  Nada.  It was simply something my brother said.  Well, the 14-year-old version of my brother, that is.

I had on black jogging pants a couple of weeks ago (because the maid was getting behind with the laundry, curse her!).  For whatever reason, I was checking myself out in the mirror.  I suddenly noticed that my rear was, well, not in best form.  INSTANTLY, I was zipped back to a scene in the kitchen when my brother and I were teenagers.  I was getting ready for prom/had a new pair of jeans/something like that and decided to ask Will how I looked.  Being the sensitive, supportive brother he was, he said something like "O.K., I guess.  At least your butt doesn't jiggle."  Ahhh, words a teenage girl can live by.  And a grown one for that matter.  No matter how big I was compared to my friends, how my body has changed through child-bearing years,  I reminded myself of those words.  Until a couple of weeks ago.

So here I am.  35 and mother of 3.  Pastor's wife.  Wanting to love the lost and care for the hurting.  Still trying to figure out who I'm going to be when I grow up.  And determinded to get up at 5:30 a.m. and run, so my bum won't jiggle.

How to Order Cards from me

1. Look through the pictures posted on my FB page and choose the ones you like.  Each card has a letter as it's description to the right of the picture.
2. Click this link (https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/make-online-payments).  You will fill in your e-mail adress, mine (melissajoysmith@yahoo.com) & the amount you are paying me (click here for pricing guide: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&note_id=429726483757989#!/ServingInSeattle/notes).
3. In your "note to seller", specify which cards you want.  For the Scripture Card Pack, you will receive 10 random pictures of my choice OR 10 of the same pictures of your choice. Please specify when ordering ("random scripture card pack", "ten of picture M", etc.).  If ordering a personalized pack, please let me know the name & the picture of your choice in your "note to seller."
4. After your purchase, I will send you a confirmation of your order & an approximate date of delivery.  I will mail your purchase via USPS First Class Mail.  I can mail your cards directly to you or to an address you specificy if they are a gift.

What the pictures look like on the cards

How your cards will be wrapped before packaging

Blackberries

No, mother, this isn't a post about our childhood cat (as you can guess, was named "Blackberry").  This  post is about the real, actual berry.

One of the fabulous things about living in the Pacific Northwest is the abundance of fruits and vegetables.  Alot of them are brought over from Eastern Washington, but many are found in our own backyard.  Literally.

Apparently, the Himalayan blackberry really loves living in Seattle.  They grow everywhere! (Southerners, think Kudzu)  By the side of the road, behind office buildings, along sidewalks, bordering parking lots, you get the picture.  Last year, I vaguely noticed them and had interest, but this year I knew more.   I knew that I had to figure out where to get some.  So starting about mid-August, I'd notice the berries starting to ripen.  Yum!  But to my great dismay, the juiciest ones were always off cliffs or in peralis ditches or RIGHT beside the busiest roads.  The conversation I imaged having with the cop, and more importantly Jason, as to why I caused a 10-car pile up never seemed to justify the urge to stop. ("But officier, can't you see how big those berries are?!")

So what's a girl to do?  Thankfully for me, I have a big God that cares about little things.  I didn't pray about, I didn't come to Him with my longing for those succulant, little berries (insert licking lips sound here), I just continued looking for a fence that I could scale to try and get some.  But He knew my desires and provided for me anyway...

One day after church, I noticed a couple in the kitchen with a couple of big containers packed with blackberries.  "Where did you get those?!"  "Um, behind the church" was Amy's sweet reply to the berry-crazed woman.  Are you kidding me?  Behind the church?!  I had been willing to risk life and limb to try and get those berries and all I had to do was walk out the back door of the church?!

So at the next available opportunity (5 minutes later), I herded all the boys out and we picked the first of many containers of blackberries.   And yes, they were as delicious as I had imagined.  I just couldn't believe how easily assessible they were. 

Isn't that just like God?  Something that I thought was difficult and literally out of reach, He made available so even my baby boy could enjoy them.  What an awesome God we have!

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"         Matthew 7: 9-11



A Tale of Two Ladies

This week sealed the fate of two women from my past.  They weren't really friends, rather godly women that I looked up to.  We never hung out, went shopping together or had play dates with our kids.  But the news of their lives still had a impact on me.

The first is Willie Dupree.  She is a lady I befriended while we lived in Halls.  Over the course of several months & years, we developed a special friendship.  She feel in love with each of our boys after they were born.  I think she considered them her grandchildren.  You see, Willie never had children.  Talk about unfair.  She had a heart of gold & would have been a wonderful mother.  Her husband died 20+ years ago, so I can't imagine the loneliness she has felt.  But so strong in her faith in the Lord.

Her birthday was at the end of July.  I tried to call for several days.  No answer.  I finally called the church secretary at our old church.  She couldn't find out anything either.  I was in distress and had come to the conclusion that she must have finally died.  So on Wednesday, I started calling the funeral homes.  I couldn't think of any other way to figure out how to find her.  After the 3rd funeral home, I finally found her.  Alive!  She had set up a plan with the funeral home, but hadn't used it yet. :-)  They gave me her next of kin's number and I was able to learn where she was.  She was moved this summer to an assisted living center (finally! She just turned 95!) and I was able to get her name and address.  Yay!  I pray that I will get to visit with her again on our next trip back to TN.



Mrs. Willie and baby Gideon

 The second story has a happy ending, just of a different sort.  Dottie Danley, rather suddenly, went home to the Lord.  Even though I haven't seen or talked to her in years, I was still shocked and deeply sad when I learned the news.

Dottie was the wife of the pastor at the first church that Jason served at.  Talk about a godly woman.  She was such an encouragement to me and a model of what I could only hope to become when I grow up (because I'm certainly not there yet!).  I know she had faults, as we all do, but she always displayed grace, elegance and wisdom when I talked to her.  And a great sense of humor!  I remember a story she told me once of trying to clean up a spot from her carpet.  She scrubbed & scrubbed at that spot only to discover that it was a shadow cast from the window pane.  I can still see her laughing at herself over it.

Mrs. Dottie (stolen from my friend Jennifer's FB page).  All my pictures with her are pre-digital. :-(

Even though these two ladies really have no effect on my day to day life, they still have affected who I've become.  And that's exactly what I would like to be remembered for.  As a woman that loved the Lord and encouraged others to do the same.  So thank you Dottie & Willie for doing just that.

Divine Appointment

Those of us who are believers in Christ know that things don't happen by chance.  Dumb luck.  Coincidence.  No, we know that God has a plan for all of us.

Romans 8:28 is thrown around alot in the Christian circles as to "why" things happen.  I think this verse almost gets used too much.  But still, it was the first one that popped into my head after what happened today.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I met a woman today that there is no reason in the world I should have met.  Indulge me to back up 1 year to explain why...

When I realized that we really were going to be moving here, I did what any normal woman would do-I started decorating our new house.  Yes, the house I had never seen & didn't know the logistics of at all.  I knew I wanted to change the boys' decor & picked "camping/outdoors" as their new theme.  I found the bedding I wanted (which was, of course, no longer made), but knew I "had" to have it.  And, once again, I did what any normal woman on a tight budget does, I turned to craigslist.   But not just to TN craigslist, the WHOLE U.S.  I stalked every major city I had the time for typing in "woolrich" trying to find this particular bedding (which was going for a killing on ebay).  I can remember calling Alaska one night only to find out that she had already sold it.  Like I said, I "had" to have this bedding.

See!  Isn't it super cute?!?  I eventually found 3 sets total (thanks again Nicolle & Ashley!)

Where did I finally find that first set?  SEATTLE, of course.  So I e-mailed Nicolle (an almost perfect stranger at this point) to see if she could pick it up.  She went to the lady's house, got it & saved that bedding for us in her basement until we moved & got a place to actually use it.

Fast forward to today.  Our fam loaded up in the minivan to go to a park today for play time & a picnic lunch.  On the way I asked if we could stop at some yard sales.  We turned down a few random streets on our way to the park.  At one random sale, I saw a little bag (marked "free") with the print from the boys' bedding on it.  I asked the lady if I could have it because it matched the bedding in my boys' bedroom.  After a couple of minutes, she said "Were you the one that bought that bedding?"  I thought she was asking if I had been to the sale earlier in the day.  But, you guessed it, she was the same lady that Nicolle had bought my bedding from 1 year ago.  IS THAT NOT CRAZY?!?  Of all the yard sales in all of Seattle, I wandered onto hers.  And she's not just some random lady either.  Oh no.  She's been a PASTOR'S WIFE for over 15 years!!  If that isn't a divine appointment I don't know what is.

So don't let Satan trick you into thinking that you "just happened" to run into that that old friend you were praying for or it was "by chance" when that check for $400 came in the mail after you got a bill for $400 earlier in the week (which also happened to us this week!!!!!!)  God is in the details of your life.

Worms

Yesterday I was having a major pity party.  The "no one likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll eat a can of worms" kind-of party.  I'm not sure exactly why, but it just kind-of consumed me for the day.  I knew what I had to do, but I kept putting it off until laying in bed last night.  I know that when I get into those funks, the best medicine is to make a "Thankful" list to remind myself how much God has blessed me.  So here's the list I came up with.

Things I'm thankful for:
1. My 3 healthy boys. Luke's heart defect corrected itself in the womb, Jonah wasn't hit by that car, and Gideon didn't crack his skull when he fell off the playground.  I mean, really, I could probably just stop right here.
2. A husband that loves me. And doesn't beat me. Doesn't take advantage of or lie to me. Doesn't grow tired of playing "monster" with the boys. Doesn't schedule anything on our date night.  And doesn't complain too much when he has to attend my pity parties.
3. My Tennessee life. This includes my family that loves me dearly, my soul sisters that I can call at a moments notice, southern nature (thunder, lightening bugs, cardinals, etc.) & Chick-fil-a (that I know is secretly dying to open up a store just down from my house).  I will probably never have that life again, but it's safely stored in my heart forever.
4. Food. I have yet to miss a meal because I had to. Even if it's leftovers of leftovers, I always have something to eat.
5. Hot water. Anyone that has done any kind of mission work knows what a luxary this is.
6. Sight. Even if I go blind tomorrow, think of all the wonderful things I have seen in my lifetime! Babies, rainbows, mountains, faces, flowers, oceans, unicorns, well, you get the picture.
7. Technology. Not sure which is my favorite, but I would be lost without my washing machine, dishwasher, indoor plumbing, wi-fi & minivan!

Wow! I'm feeling better already. I was shooting for 10, but I don't think I need to go a bit further. I AM SO RICH! I think I might be the richest girl on earth.

Thank you, God, for reminding me that all good things come from you.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows"  .James 1:17

Taken this spring at the Washington Arboretum

# 4

No, I'm not announcing that we are expecting our fourth child (don't lie, I know you were thinking that!)  I'm referring to the fourth commandment, as in Charlton Heston with the stone tablets commandments.  Do you remember which one that is?  Murder?  Nope.  Stealing?  Nope.  It's the one about the Sabbath.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God.  On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner (alien) who is within your gates.  For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day.  Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy."  Exodus 20:8-11

Wow!  Did you remember it was that long?  I didn't.  In fact, that commandment gets more words dedicated to it that any of the other commandments do.  I'm not at all saying the fourth commandment is more important than any of the others, but if God dedicated that much space to it, then He must want me to take notice.

Unfortunately, I never really have.  Don't get me wrong, I pitch a fit if I have to miss my Sunday afternoon nap for any reason, but I don't think naps are exactly what God had in mind.  For whatever reason, I started thinking about my response to this commandment.  I decided I wanted to change what my response was to  Sunday.  (Which is a whole other discussion; so if you don't know why Christians celebrate the Sabbath on Sunday, I think this link gives a pretty accurate description:  http://christianity.about.com/od/whatdoesthebiblesay/f/sundayworship.htm)

About a month ago, I actively started trying to make changes.  After about week two, I shared this with my friend Jennie.  She asked "What does that exactly mean?"  Since I was still fleshing out the logistics of it, I didn't give a very good answer, but it made me think harder about what & why I was doing this.  For me, I decided observing the Sabbath meant that I would take a break from the things that I do most.  What I needed to "rest" from.  I have added a thing or to each week, but this is my list so far:
1.  No laundry.
2.  No dishes.
3.  No e-mail.
4.  No craigslist or e-bay.
5.  No checking to see what Kate Middleton wore or what crazy celebrity baby name came out this week.
6.  No Facebook.

Those last three are the hardest!  I have decided that I'm not going to be legalistic about this, though.  I got on FB today to wish a "Happy Anniversary" to 2 dear friends (and to post this blog!), but I did struggle to resist clicking on my messages or scrolling through the newsfeed.  (Ahh, unchecked messages!)  On the other hand, I have thoroughly enjoyed divorcing the dishes & leaving the laundry for a day.  I have to bust my tail until late on Saturday night to get all my chores done, but isn't God worth it.  I mean, I always do that when dinner guests come over, so why can't I do that for my God?

Now be warned, that if you, too, decide to try to make a change to your Sabbath, that doesn't mean that the world is going to rest, too.  The baby will still throw up, the car will still get a flat tire, the neighbor's dog will still poop by your front door, or whatever else Satan can think to throw at you.  But I'm determined to not give up that easily!  I want to learn to "guard" my Lord's day and somehow figure out how to "keep it holy".  Philippians 4:13!!

Probably NOTHING at all what Moses looked like, but, eh,  you get the picture.

One Year

It's hard for me to believe, but yes, we have now lived in Seattle for one year.  Has it flown by? Yes.  Does it seem like we've been here forever?  Yes.  Am I still homesick?  Yes.  Do I still cry?  Yes..but not as often.

Those first few hours & days here are, quite honestly, a blur.  Much of it was so raw that I think I've just chosen to forget details.  It's good, though, to reflect on the past and remember some of those hard-to-live-through details.

After a last meal at, you guessed it, Chick-fil-A, we flew out of Nashville on our non-stop flight to Sea-Tac.  Five long hours (plus a two hour time difference) with 3 small boys is enough to make anyone crazy!  But the big boys enjoyed most of the plane ride and were excited as we started to land.
I, on the other hand, was nowhere near as cute or excited.  As the pilot said, "We are now approaching Seattle.  Please return to your seats & prepare for landing", I was very close to having a panic attack.  I wanted to scream, "TURN AROUND!!  Don't land this plane. TURN AROUND NOW!!"  Thankfully, to Jason, I didn't and managed to exit the plane that had been a hell hole for the past five hours (non-stop flight with a 15 month old, need I say more?).

As we emerged from the airport, the boys got to see Seattle in all it's glory for the first time.  It was 50°ish & drizzling.  Since the raindrops were so light & large , Luke said "Is it snowing?"  Tears in check, I got into the van that was to be our vehicle for the next few weeks.  A church member had sweetly let us borrow his 1980s carpeted van.  It was fully functional and was big enough for all of us, but you can imagine it only added to my emotional state.

We had arranged to stay with 2 church members until we could find a place to live (that's right, we DID move across the country without knowing where we were going to live).  Mike & Nicolle, whom are now some of our dearest friends/almost family, were the ones that took us in during those first few weeks in June.  Luke later referred to their house as "our first house" here, which delighted Nicolle.

Nicolle had dinner ready for us when we arrived to their house from the airport.  We just sat down at the table when Luke said, "When are we going home?"  Yep.  You guessed it.  That's.When. I. LOST. it.  I ran to the bathroom and sobbed my eyes out for the next 10 minutes or so.  Jason later said that Luke wasn't confused, he just knew that Mike & Nicolle's house wasn't going to be our new home and wanted to know when were we going there.

The cake that was made for us at our "Meet Martha Lake" party.  When Jonah saw it, he said "Is it my birthday?!"

The next days and weeks were about the same as that night.  It didn't take much to set off the waterworks.  Our first Sunday at Martha Lake, I sat in the ladies Sunday School class.  About half way through the class, I looked around and thought, "This isn't MY class.  These aren't MY friends.  I'm supposed to be in Tennessee.  What am I doing here?!"  My now dear friend, Jennie, followed me out of the class and walked around the church with me, while I tried to get it together before Jason's first sermon.

Whew!  I'm certainly thankful to past all that drama.  Am I sure that this was the right move for our family?  Yes.  Do I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is where God wants us to be?  Absolutely.  Do I still cry?  Yes...just not as often.